Its night before launch and I'm on Netflix watching some healthy food documentaries to help with my mindset. I had to pause and post something immediately because I found it to be so resonating. Lanae and I are both terrified to begin this journey. My mother is also starting with us. The three of us are trembling little lambs for the slaughter, or so it feels like. Here I am dreading the first few days because I know there will be ramifications for my horrible actions that promise vengeance in the form of detoxing. My mind has been focused on what I won't be able to have and how difficult that will be and I haven't even started! The documentary pegged me perfectly. I have been planning on thinking "I want that but I can't have it." Here is the beautiful part: it should be "I can have it but I don't want it." Yeah thats simple and so seemingly obvious, but lets be real, so is eating healthy and I'm certainly in good company being a fatty in America.
I am still sitting here in fear of this journey, but cognitive patterns aren't changed overnight. I don't live by a "can't have" mindset in any other arena in my life. I can do whatever the hell I want to do and I am capable of anything when I set my mind to it. Thats my lease on life, I have choices and those choices define me. Its time to merge me with the fatty me. Its time for fatty to go, that bitch ruins everything.
~Jacquelyn
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